Monday, August 8, 2011

Real Talk With Raze: The Art of Coping in Front of Everybody

I am not a celebrity.

I am not a local celebrity.

What I AM, is a modestly popular guy that makes music out of love, a husband, a father and a friend to more people than I realize I am.

I am a man whose words carry weight with more people than I am at times comfortable with.

Most importantly tho, I am a human being.

Along with that comes the usual fare; happiness, anger, frustration, jubilation and most often lately, PAIN.

For the past almost 2 months, I've been coping with the loss of my uncle. I refer to him as my Big Brother, because we were only 6yrs apart in age and were raised 3/4ths of our lives in the same household, by the same people. He died of massive heart failure at the age of 38, and it came out of NOWHERE. None of us saw it coming, and a man that I'm sure EVERYBODY that knew him will tell you was one level short of "invincible", was called home by God.

He left behind 2 kids and a multitude of people that, in all of their own individual ways and unique reasons, LOVE THE HELL OUT OF HIM.

And it hurts. Like hell.

Some days I don't feel like getting out of bed. I just wanna lay there and cry. Some days I drive to, at, and home from work and just wanna pull to the side of the road because I see a billboard or hear a song on a mix and wanna turn the car off and BREAK DOWN. I'm having trouble even typing this article...but, I have to.

No, I NEED TO.

We live in a society where EVERYONE owns a little corner of the world. With the internet and social networking we are all more connected than ever before. With that comes dealing with the elusive, invisible mental & emotional barrier of what is and is not "too much to share" with the world.

ESPECIALLY for me.

I've always been an open book. Ask me anything. About me, my life's experiences, my opinions, my advice...I have always tried to be there for more people than I have prolly ever been capable of. Because I love people.

I got that from Big E.

When people lose someone and they say the cliche' "I feel like a part of me is missing/gone/lost" sometimes we don't really understand the gravity of it till it happens to US. Well, ever since I can remember all I ever wanted to be was JUST like my big brother. As a kid and early teen I emulated his personality and his ideals of right vs wrong, loyalty to those loyal to you, and most importantly to always love people FIRST. And to never hate. I took his lessons and coveted them, embraced them into my very most inner being. What started off as little brother emulation, became an evolved and at times exaggeration of what he was. And I, along with some other people think it's great and that the world could certainly use a helluva lot more of it.

And now, the most influential being to what has ever in life made me tick...is gone.

At most jobs, you're sometimes given bereavement time...to "get over" the mourning period of a close family loss. Most of the time, that's never REALLY enough time at all, but it's better than nothing. Right? Ehhh...maybe not. Well, when you're a polarizing public figure like myself, you don't get that time.

The show must go on. People need their laughs, artists need their beats, studio time, etc. Promoters need their fliers, and the world needs....YOU. Even if it's only a couple hundred or thousands...THEY'RE WATCHING. And those that want nothing more than for you to fail are just waiting patiently to see you finally crack.

All I want is just to bury myself in my studio, wrap up in a blanket and cry him back to life.

Mission:IMPOSSIBLE

Because he's gone. And no amount of tears, prayers, cigarettes, condolences, drinks or arguments with my wife are going to bring him back.

The strangest thing about all this is, for the first time in my life I know EXACTLY what to do but...don't want to even fucking do it. Emotionally, something just ain't right. Everything is off balance and I'm really at a loss for even how to completely describe it. I'm off kilter...for the past two months there have been flashes of, but I know I HAVEN'T BEEN ME.

I'm coping. I'm dealing with it. I've faced it. And while I haven't broken...I haven't lost it...I'm still here. Other piece of shit people that don't deserve the lives they live are still here...but my brother isn't.

And I know, we're not supposed to question God and all that...but....

Fuck it.

I don't know what else to say or why I typed all this shit out in the first place.


I gotta go to work.


R.

3 comments:

  1. I had 2 months to "recover". Ha!

    DOSAF broke me. Hard. When I reversed that track, I lost it. It was like my chest cracked open and I finally let her go and myself back in. It was the most horrible and wonderful experience I never knew I was waiting for.

    When you get there, there will be a multitude of amazing people waiting to carry you. I hope you let them.

    My heart breaks for you, Raze.

    The nicest thing anyone said to me at the funeral was "it won't get better - it will get different. but different can still be good."

    Hugs.

    Stacy

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  2. I shed a tear reading this article. Its definitely heartfelt. I experience the same. At 19 my father died in my arms at 28 my grandma (lady of my life) suffered b4 my eyes and my friend recently died. Its was almost like I had to train myself to deal with it because of the people I was around. Its a emotion roller coaster and it takes for the ride of your life. U will never get over it, but u will get through. Im still coping.

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