A TEN SHUNNED: TOP TEN MAN NO-NOs FOR THE SUMMER!
Yeah Yeah Yeah…
We heard the men go in on females, but y’all STILL be lookin’ with y’all lookin asses! Doncha?!
There are several things we don't want to see and hear from men this summer, but we'll just stick to the visual infractions...for now...
#10 - FILTHY HATS! Especially if you have NO HAIR! How you gone be bald with a 10cm thick slice of neck grit on the inside of your brim, yo?! Don’t you wash your head in the shower?? DO YOU SHOWER? While we’re on the subject, DO NOT WEAR VISORS either. What are you, 8?
#9 - VESTS! Only crackheads and homosexual men are allowed to do this. Why? They’ve earned the right. Step to me wearing a vest and I will involuntarily think of Troy from Waiting to Exhale with the funky leather vest on! I’m going to laugh in your face, annnnd you’re prolly gonna want to throw a piece of fruit at me, but don’t. It’s not my fault you smell.
#8 – FAKE ASS CHAINS on top of nappy ass taco meat! Don’t feel bad, it only kinda works for Kanye because his chain is REAL. Ok, I’m lying. It still doesn’t work for Kanye despite that fact. Just don’t.
#7 - DINGY ASS WHITE TEES! Look modda sokkah. White tees are, what, five dollars at the gas station? It’s bad enough you wearin a dope boy's interpretation of casual attire. Lookin’ like you just crawled out from under Uncle Rukus’s pickup truck after a day on the block isn’t a “look” in any sense of the word.
#6 – BRONZE GRILLS!! Yes, BRONZE. That was not a typo and THAT, "Young Suck", does not contain any detectable percentage of gold.
#5 – “BURIED ROOTS”! Allow me to explain. It is the male equivalent of the camel toe. Some call it a “moose knuckle” or “mangina”. Amongst us nature loving (and mannish) sistas it is called a buried root, because it looks like that curve of root that comes up out the ground around a tree. Moral: Tight pants and/or shorts = No.
#4 – DEORDORANT BALLS! If you’re gonna wear that smedium beater, at LEAST shave your pits dude. It looks like a band of miniature nigglets are gonna come pick those shits outta your pits like cotton! IM JUST SAYIN…
#3 - SAGGING SHORTS! Especially with dirty ass draws and a hairy ass crack!! What you trynta do? Attract the “Fleece Johnsons” of the world? Gee’s two step remedy: 1. Get a belt. 2. Buy YOUR size!
#2 – BEAM!! So your hairline is receding…it happens to the best of you. But you know with summer comes involuntary perspiration and that’s like a beamed man’s kryptonite! (Next to rain, of course.)
#1 – HAMMER HAMMER HAMMER (TOES)! No one…and I do mean NO ONE, wants to see your crusty, nog, overgrown cuticle'd jawns mashing up your manmade material mandals, scraping your rancid insoles. It’s not a crime to get a pedicure and using a toe nail clipper and file is not rocket science, it’s called ‘grooming’.
KNOCKOFF STUNNERS! You ain’t gotta like to kick it, Craig. I’m a Midwestern girl, labels don’t excite me nor do your ‘Douche and Garbaje’ sucker shades! * Tip: At tax time, go online, get you some real ones if it’s all that serious!*
Gwensday out...until ASH time! *salutes*