Real Talk With Raze - Movies of My Childhood That Had No Business Being Movies of My Childhood
Look man...I'm an 80's baby, tried and true. Born in 1978 to a single mother who did her best, with the overwhelming help of my grandparents, aunt and uncles. But, as I'm sure with most other 80's babies, we had a LOT of movies that came out in that decade (and a few years into the 90's) that in our young ages, we ain't have NO business seeing when we did. So, after thinkin about it, I put together a list of the ones I probably REALLY had no damn business seeing when I did.
1. The Return of The Living Dead - 1986 (R)
I was 8yrs old when this joint came out and had absolutely no f*cking business in the movie theater watching this hilariously, gruesome, frightening, awesome, bone chilling for an 8yr old, movie.
But, there I was. Eyes closed, scared as sh*t, peeking through my squinted eyes for the nude girl dancing her ass off in the cemetery and all...right next to my mom. Who took me to EVERY movie on this list. Go Mom. Horary worthy parenting.
2. Purple Rain - 1984 (R)
Look, I knew at an early age I wanted to be a musician. And two movies are to charge for that: Krush Groove and Purple Rain. KG for all the RIGHT reasons, and PR for every wrong reason imaginable. This movie earned the f*ck out of its R rating: Tittays and sex. Physical spousal abuse. Implied suicide. Drug and alcohol use. The fact that it apparently GOES THE F*CK DOWN in waters of Lake Minnetonka.
3. A Nightmare on Elm Street - 1984 (R)
Yeah...I'm convinced that my mother gave no fucks about my sleep habits or ability to even HAVE sleep habits, apparently. From nudity, to language to nightmarish dude's arms all stretched out in that fucking alley....
wait....back to the nudity, that for a SIX YEAR OLD was pretty damn awesome, but was abrutptly cut short as fuck by...yup, pretty white bish getting slided, diced and ripped to shreads. Talk about all kindsa psychological issues. Had I not been such a brilliant kid, I'd have been F*CKED from there. Thanks, Ma.
4. School Daze - 1988 (R)
Finally, a break in the monotony. But...what the f*ck. Why on fkn God's green earth would ANYONE think a Ten year old would be an acceptable road-dawg for a film like this. Granted, it was AMAZING. As a kid, I admittedly wanted nothing more than to go to school and secretly created two fraternities, and pit them against each other, only to kick back and enjoy the ensuing mayhem that devoured the 3rd and 4th grade classes. I was fully cognitive of what this movie was about and what it meant after seeing it. Honestly, I credit a lot of my logical development to my mother having taken me to see films like this, thankfully. HOWEVER, ain't no fkn damn ass way in hell MY 10yr olds are watching this sh*t.
5. Candyman - 1992 (R)
Aiight look, I know I was 14. I know I'd had a pretty rough childhood up to this point. I'd seen and experienced a WHOLE LOT F*CKING MORE than most 14yr olds. HOWEVER, none of that sh*t matters because from that point forward I couldn't turn a damn bathroom light off b4 walking out without consciously thinking about that sh*t. Either one of two magical things were gonna happen: Candyman would pop up behind me and gut my black ass.....
...or Virginia Madsen would show up with those GLORIOUS, yet bloody, milk blasters of hers and.......gut my black ass. Well, at least the latter option would've yielded a worthy exit for this young creep's life.
So, there ya have it. Movies I had not a damn bit of business seeing when I was as young as I was. Feel free to post your own stories below of how your parents or your own curiosities may have fucked you up too.
Oh yeah, HONORABLE MENTION -
Jungle Fever - 1991 (R)
Angie Tucci. That name has resonated with me for the last 24yrs of my life. I was so young, but in spite of everything tragic that happened to Flipper's life once he'd tasted that sweet, purified olive-oil slick mouthed, dark haired, European Bunny Goddess.....
I still was left with an impression; one that I'm CERTAIN was NOT what Spike had intended. The impression was that white women are f*cking awesome. Sure, they'll probably destroy your life. Cost you everything you've ever worked your ass off for. BUT, if a strong willed, incredibly intelligent, black man who had EVERYTHING, would risk it all for dat Bunnylove, it MUST be worth it...right? Well, of COURSE NOT. But, for a 12/13yr old kid...no matter how intelligent I was, this was what I got from it.